Question

I'm looking for advice on managing dissociation from past trauma. I experienced sexually traumatic events in two previous relationships, but wasn't able to report what happened due to threats. Now I'm in a healthier relationship and would like advice on how to communicate my needs for support to my current boyfriend. How can I discuss this with him?

Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. Let me start by talking a bit about dissociation and then I can share some tips about how to discuss it with your current boyfriend.

I want to take a moment to explain what's happening in your brain and body when you experience dissociation. Dissociation is actually your mind's clever way of protecting itself, like an automatic circuit breaker. Just as a circuit breaker cuts power to prevent damage from an electrical surge, dissociation creates a sense of disconnection to protect you from overwhelming emotions or memories. This can feel like watching life through a foggy window, feeling detached from your body, or experiencing moments where time seems to blur. These sensations, while distressing, are completely normal responses to traumatic experiences that should not have happened to you.

Your brain developed this coping mechanism because it was helpful at one point - it helped you survive difficult experiences. The challenge is that sometimes this protective response stays active even when you're now in safer circumstances. It's like your brain's alarm system getting a bit too sensitive, activating even when the actual danger has passed. Understanding this can be the first step in developing a new relationship with these experiences.

Now, let's talk about practical ways to navigate both the dissociation and your current relationship. For managing dissociation, there are several strategies that can help bring you back to the present moment. Grounding techniques work because they help remind your nervous system that you're safe. For example, try focusing on your immediate environment by naming things you can see, touch, hear, smell, and taste. Physical sensations, like holding an ice cube or using strong scents like peppermint, can also help reconnect you with your body. Gentle movement, like stretching or walking, can additionally help you feel more present. 

As for communicating with your boyfriend, I recommend choosing a quiet, private moment when you both have time and energy for the conversation. You don't need to share everything at once - healing and communication happen in layers, and it's perfectly okay to start small. What often helps is being specific about what support looks like for you. For instance, you might say, "When I feel disconnected, it helps if you speak to me softly" or "I need you to ask before touching me." Many partners want to help but don't know how; clear, specific guidance can be reassuring for both of you.

Remember that healing isn't a linear journey, and you're allowed to move at your own pace. Many survivors find that their dissociation triggers connect to specific situations, sensations, or even times of day. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you map these patterns and develop a personalized toolkit of responses. The goal isn't to eliminate dissociation entirely (it's still one of your brain's protective tools), but rather to expand your options for feeling safe and present in your body when you choose to be.

You're taking important steps in understanding and working with these experiences, and that alone is worth acknowledging. Your brain developed these responses to protect you, and with time and support, you can develop new ways of feeling safe. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.