Question

I'm a college student in therapy, working through a past sexual assault. There's someone in my English class I'm attracted to. We tried to plan a hike together but it fell through due to scheduling conflicts. I'm considering whether to suggest another meetup, maybe something different like having lunch again at the cafeteria. However, I'm hesitant, even though he's never done anything concerning. My fear about the hike, despite it being a normal activity, feels like a trauma response. I'm experiencing internal conflict - wanting connection while being afraid of it. Physical touch is particularly complicated for me now - it's my natural way of expressing affection, but past experiences have made it feel unsafe. How can I navigate these conflicting feelings about wanting to date while dealing with trust and safety concerns?

Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and self-awareness. I want to first acknowledge how insightful you are about your own reactions - recognizing your trauma response and understanding the complexity of your feelings about physical touch.

Your mixed feelings are completely valid and normal after trauma. The desire for connection alongside fear of vulnerability is a common experience for survivors. Your brain is trying to balance two very real needs: the human need for connection and the equally important need for safety.

Consider what I call "green zone" activities - these are interactions where you feel completely safe and in control. The cafeteria lunch you mentioned is a perfect example: it's public, casual, and has clear boundaries. There's nothing wrong with keeping things in this zone for as long as you need. Listen to your body's signals. Your hesitation about the hike might be your system telling you it's not ready for that level of vulnerability yet - and that's okay. You're absolutely right that you have no obligation to pursue any particular activity or timeline.

When you feel conflicted about physical touch, try to approach yourself with compassion. It makes perfect sense that something that once brought you joy now feels complicated. This isn't permanent, but healing takes time, and you're allowed to move at your own pace. You might want to continue working with your therapist on establishing your personal boundaries and practice small "experiments" with trust in very safe situations. Remember you can always step back if things feel too intense, and consider being honest with potential partners about needing to take things slowly, but only if and when you feel safe doing so.

Most importantly, trust your instincts. You're not "broken" or "wrong" for having these feelings. You're responding normally to an abnormal experience, and you're already taking brave steps toward healing by going to therapy and thinking critically about what you need.

Thank you for reaching out to us and we hope this helps. You are not alone.