Question

I was sexually assaulted by my father after turning 18, with prior incidents in my teens. I told my older sister, but she advised against telling my mom, who's still married to him. I'm struggling to navigate this situation. How can I get support from family members? It's not like I can avoid him completely - he's still in my life and the lives of those close to me. I'm dealing with constant triggers, fear, and a confusing sense of family obligation. There's also pressure to keep it hidden for the family's reputation. Do you have any insights on how I can handle this complex situation?

Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. I'm deeply sorry to hear about the sexual assault you experienced at the hands of your father. It's crucial to understand that what happened to you was not your fault, and you deserve support and care as you navigate this incredibly complex and difficult situation. Given the circumstances, seeking professional support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual trauma could be immensely helpful. They can provide tools to manage triggers and fear, and guide you through processing your experiences. Additionally, contacting an online sexual assault support hotline, such as RAINN, can offer free and confidential support while connecting you with local resources.

It's important to recognize that the decision to tell your mother is yours alone, not your sister's. While she may have her reasons for advising against it, ultimately you know your situation best and have the right to decide what's appropriate for you.

If you choose to tell your mother, consider these strategies: First, choose a private, safe place and time when you won't be interrupted. Plan what you want to say beforehand, perhaps even writing it down. Be prepared for various reactions - she may be shocked, disbelieving, or overwhelmed. Remember, her initial reaction doesn't invalidate your experience. Consider having a supportive person with you or available to talk afterward. Also, be ready with resources about sexual assault that you can share with her, as she may need support too.

Whatever you decide to do, as you move forward, it's crucial to prioritize your own wellbeing. Remember that you have no obligation to maintain a relationship with your abuser, even if he's family. Your safety and healing should come first.

If you do not decide to tell your mother, You might consider confiding in other trusted friends or family members who can offer emotional support. It's also okay to set boundaries and limit or avoid contact with your father, even if others don't understand. The family pressure to keep this hidden for the sake of reputation is understandable, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your mental health. You didn't cause this situation – the person who assaulted you did.

If you're considering legal options, consulting with a lawyer who specializes in sexual assault cases can help you understand your choices. Joining a support group for survivors can also provide validation and coping strategies. Remember, healing is a process, and it's okay to take it one day at a time. Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to prioritize your own wellbeing and healing journey. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.