Question

I have memories from when I was 4 or 5 involving an older child (around 10-13) who my mom babysat. He showed signs of early exposure to sexual content. I remember him taking me to a room and trying to make me undress, and I believe he touched me inappropriately. Being so young, I didn't understand what was happening at the time. He also physically harmed me through strangulation when I was 6. I'm just beginning to process these memories and realize the severity of what happened. How should I characterize these experiences? Is this COCSA?

Answer

Thank you for sharing these difficult memories. Processing childhood experiences like these can feel overwhelming, especially when we begin to understand them from an adult perspective.

The significant age difference you describe - between a 4-5 year old and a 10-13 year old - represents an important power imbalance. At 4-5, a child cannot understand or consent to sexual interactions. The older child's age and development level gave them considerably more power and understanding, even if their own behavior likely stemmed from concerning exposure or experiences of their own.

The combination of sexual behavior and physical violence (strangulation) you describe indicates serious boundary violations that could have felt frightening and confusing for a young child. Your growing recognition of these experiences' severity is a normal part of processing - sometimes our adult minds begin to understand things our child minds couldn't make sense of at the time.

While I cannot definitively label your experiences, as that's a personal choice that belongs to you, what you're describing aligns with what many professionals would consider harmful or abusive behavior (sometimes labeled as COCSA). The fact that the older child was also young doesn't minimize the impact these experiences may have had on you.

It's completely normal to have unclear or fragmented memories from this age, especially regarding confusing or frightening experiences. Some details may be vivid while others feel hazy - this is how young children's brains typically store memories, particularly of overwhelming events.

If you're beginning to process these memories now, please know that support is available. Many people find that working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood experiences can help them understand and cope with early memories like these. They can provide a safe space to explore these experiences without judgment and help you process them in a way that feels right for you.

Remember, whatever impact these experiences had on you is valid, and however you choose to characterize them is valid too. You're showing strength in beginning to examine these memories, and you deserve support in this process. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.