Question

I experienced unwanted sexual contact on a bus when a man put his face against my bottom. It was my first sexual contact, and when I turned around, I found him attractive. Is it normal to feel sexually attracted to my assailant? Lately, I've been wanting to see him again (though I can't). Is this self-destructive behavior or a desire to rewrite my story? I believe his actions were intentional based on how he looked at me and didn't move away quickly.

Answer

This is a really tough question and we appreciate you trusting us with it. Your experience and the complex feelings you're having in response are not uncommon for survivors of unwanted sexual contact. It's important to understand that your reactions are valid and don't diminish the seriousness of what happened to you.

Feeling attracted to someone who violated your boundaries can be confusing and distressing. This reaction can stem from various psychological factors. For some, it may be a way the mind tries to regain control over a situation where control was taken away. Others, as you alluded to, might experience it as an attempt to "rewrite" the narrative of the assault into something less traumatic. In some cases, it could be related to the body's physiological response to touch, even unwanted touch, which can be separate from emotional consent or desire.

The desire to see him again could be rooted in several motivations. It might be an unconscious attempt to confront the situation, to understand it better, or even to assert control. However, it's crucial to recognize that acting on this desire could potentially be harmful to your wellbeing and healing process.

Regardless of any physical attraction you may have felt, his actions were still a violation of your boundaries and personal space. Your belief that his actions were intentional based on his behavior is valid, and it's not your responsibility to excuse or justify his actions.

These feelings you're experiencing don't make the assault any less real or serious. They're a complex response to a traumatic event, and it's okay to feel conflicted or confused about them. Working through these feelings with a therapist who specializes in trauma and sexual assault could be very beneficial. They can help you process your experience, understand your reactions, and develop healthy coping strategies.

Remember, healing from sexual assault is a journey, and it's okay to have complicated feelings along the way. Your safety and wellbeing should always be the priority. Thank you for asking this question.  You are not alone.