I experienced two years of sexual harassment and unwanted touching from a former friend, and my entire friend group turned against me. When I discovered my parents' hurtful text messages about the situation, I felt like I deserved what happened and haven't told anyone for the past year. Instead, I turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms and my life spiraled. Now my parents don't trust me, but they don't know about the trauma I never processed. I want to tell them so they understand my behavior, but I'm afraid of causing them stress. I feel trapped between needing to appear perfect and hiding my struggles. What should I do?

Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. First, I want to be absolutely clear: you did not deserve what happened to you. Sexual harassment and unwanted touching are never your fault, regardless of how "nice" someone is or any other circumstance. The fact that your friend group turned against you and your parents' messages were unsupportive only added layers of harm to an already painful situation.

When we experience trauma, our brain seeks ways to manage overwhelming emotions and regain control. Your turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms was your brain trying to protect you the only way it knew how. Similarly, the pressure you feel to maintain a perfect image is a common protective response. When we've experienced violation and betrayal, sometimes we try to control everything else in our lives to feel safe. This perfectionistic behavior can feel like armor - if you do everything "right," maybe you can prevent future hurt or finally earn the support and understanding you deserve. But this is an impossible and exhausting standard to maintain.

Your worth isn't determined by your perfection. The mistakes you've made while trying to cope with trauma don't make you less deserving of support and understanding. In fact, trying to maintain a perfect facade often prevents us from getting the help we truly need. It's like trying to heal a deep wound while pretending you're not bleeding - it only makes the healing process harder and lonelier.

Regarding telling your parents, while opening up could help them understand your behavior better, you need to prioritize your emotional safety. Consider preparing for the conversation by writing down your thoughts first, even if you never share them. Choose a calm time and neutral location, and ensure you have support lined up for afterward. You don't have to share everything at once - you can decide what feels safe to disclose.

When you do have the conversation, you might start with "I need to share something difficult that happened to me." Use "I" statements to express your feelings, like "I felt alone" or "I need support right now." When addressing the texts you saw, you could say something like "When I saw those messages, I felt completely alone and like I deserved what happened." Express that maintaining a perfect image has been exhausting and that you need space to be honest about your struggles. Remember that you can take breaks whenever needed - it's okay to say you need a moment.

There are several ways to approach this conversation. You might start with one parent if you feel closer to them, have a counselor present for support, share information gradually over several conversations, or write them a letter and be present while they read it. The approach you choose should be what feels safest and most manageable for you.

Throughout this process, remember that you control how much you share and when. Their initial reaction isn't necessarily their final one, and you can pause or stop the conversation at any point. You don't have to justify or explain your actions or feelings, and you don't need to manage their emotions - focus on expressing your needs. If they respond poorly, this reflects their limitations, not your worth. Real strength isn't about being perfect - it's about being honest with yourself and others about your struggles.

Healing isn't linear, and you don't have to be perfect. You've survived something incredibly difficult, and you're showing tremendous strength by recognizing you need support and wanting to address this. Take things one step at a time. The first priority is getting support for yourself. Everything else, including conversations with your parents, can happen when and if you feel ready and have the right support in place. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support in processing them, whether or not you choose to tell your parents right now. Remember, the people who truly care about you don't need you to be perfect - they just need you to be real.