At age 3-4, I experienced sexual abuse from my 12-year-old male cousin. My parents immediately believed me when I told them, cut all contact with that side of the family, and got me therapy. For years I thought it was just a dream or something I'd imagined, until my mother recently confirmed it actually happened. Now at 31, I'm questioning how this early trauma shaped me - particularly my choice to wait for marriage for physical intimacy (which I had attributed to religious beliefs) and my ongoing difficulty with setting boundaries in sexual situations. While I had supportive parents who took protective action, I still struggle with their eventual reconciliation with my aunt and uncle years later. I'm also uncomfortable with the fact that my younger siblings don't know about this family history. Are these feelings and reactions normal for someone processing childhood trauma?

Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. We appreciate your trust. The feelings and questions you're experiencing are completely normal given what you have been through. Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse go through periods of questioning how their early experiences have shaped their adult lives, relationships, and boundaries. You are not alone.

It's particularly common for survivors to reevaluate past decisions around intimacy when processing their trauma. Your questioning about whether your choice to wait for marriage stems from religious beliefs or past trauma is insightful - and the answer might involve both. Many survivors find that their values and choices around intimacy are shaped by multiple influences, all of which are valid. Similarly, your challenges with setting boundaries in sexual situations are a common response to early boundary violations. Our early experiences often influence how we navigate trust and personal autonomy in adult relationships. It's important to remember that there's no "right" way to approach intimacy after trauma. Your choices are valid, and understanding their origins can help you make conscious decisions about your boundaries moving forward.

Your feelings about your parents' reconciliation with your aunt and uncle are also very normal. Even when parents are supportive and take protective action (as yours did), their later choices can feel like a betrayal to the child who was harmed. This complex family dynamic is something many survivors navigate, and your feelings of discomfort are completely valid.

Regarding your siblings not knowing: Many survivors struggle with questions about sharing their experience with family members. This is a personal choice that only you can make, with no "right" answer. Some find that sharing brings them closer to siblings and helps explain family dynamics, while others prefer to maintain privacy. Both choices are valid, and you shouldn't feel pressured either way.

I encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you process these realizations. Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who can help you explore these connections in a safe space. Remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no timeline for understanding how past experiences have shaped us. Your feelings are valid, and you don't need to minimize your experience just because you had support or because it was a single incident. Many survivors who had supportive families still experience lasting effects from their trauma.

You're not alone in this journey, and the questions you're asking are an important part of healing and growth. You are so much more than what you have experienced. Thank you for reaching out to us.