After being assaulted, the person who harmed me continued making advances for months. When I finally declined, he said I made him feel worthless and now ignores me daily. I have an emotional attachment to him, feel guilty, and want to apologize. I'm struggling with sleep and appetite, and seeing him daily is excruciating. How do I cope?

Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing is incredibly difficult, and I want to acknowledge the courage it took to set a boundary after what you've been through. The physical symptoms you describe—trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, and feeling like you're drowning—are common responses to trauma and ongoing stress. These are your body's natural reactions, not signs of weakness.

It's important to recognize that the person that harmed you's reaction to your boundary-setting is not your responsibility. When someone responds to your personal boundaries with accusations that you've made them feel "worthless" or that you've "ruined" something, this is often a manipulation tactic designed to make you feel guilty for protecting yourself. You have every right to decline unwanted advances, especially after experiencing assault.

The emotional attachment you feel, even toward someone who has hurt you, is also a normal response. Trauma bonds can form in relationships where harm has occurred, making it difficult to detach emotionally even when logically you know the relationship isn't healthy. This doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid—they absolutely are—but understanding their source can help you process them.

Your desire to apologize and fix the situation stems from these complex emotions, but please know that you haven't done anything wrong by protecting yourself. The discomfort you're feeling now is part of the healing process, though it doesn't feel like it. Healing isn't linear, and it often involves periods of intense distress before improvement occurs.

Consider seeking support from a trauma-informed counselor who specializes in sexual violence, as they can provide strategies specific to your situation. If possible, minimizing contact with this person would be beneficial for your healing. In situations where you must see them, having predetermined coping strategies can help—deep breathing exercises, grounding techniques, or texting a supportive friend.

Remember that your well-being matters, and you deserve to feel safe and respected. The path forward involves focusing on your own healing rather than managing his feelings or reactions. This will take time, but with proper support and self-compassion, the overwhelming feelings you're experiencing now will gradually become more manageable. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.